Happiness is not the absence of problems
by Remi Lightwood
Summary: Words can shatter your whole world and leave a gaping hole inside you in a matter of seconds. But often this leads to something new. Something exiting and better than it had been before. Of course you will have problems along the way. But Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the plot of this story. Anything else belongs zo it's rightful owner. This disvlaimer is for the whole story**

 **This story is not beta read and English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling errors.**

 **I don't know when I'm gonna update again so I'm sorry if you'll have to wait long. And I am quite paranoid so the ratong is M.**

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He sat in front of his old Headmaster still not quite believing what just happened. He found it funny that he sat here again after his graduation. But without them. Likely he will never do anything again with them.

He stared at his shaking hands, the events of the day still ghosting in his mind, haunting and torturing him.

 _He entered the dark little pub and went to the table in a shady corner from where you could watch the whole place._ _A figure was covering in a chair at the table._

 _"Jason Blackhead?"_ _cut his voice through the silence around the table_.

 _"John Moon?"_ _responded the figure._

 _Both knowing better than to use their real names in a place where the walls listened to every sound you uttered._ _Where you could trust no one but yourself._ _Where one little sound, one little word could be your death sentence and you would never leave this place again._

Everything had been the same. If anyone had asked him that morning if something like this would happen today he would have laughed at that person. Had it been really only this morning that the situation would have been unimaginable? But had it been really that unlikely to happen? He hadn't seen them in a long time. They hadn't met up to talk in a long time. So would he have felt that small flame of doubt flickering inside him? Telling him that it was bound to happen at some time. That nothing lasts forever. Especially not for him.

But that small flame of doubt is not there anymore. It was replaced by an inferno of shock. What would he do to just return to this morning and stay in bed. Not leaving his small shabby flat that day. Maybe it wouldn't have happened then. Maybe he could have prevented it from happening

...or maybe not.

In the end it would have probably only given him only a little more amount of time. A little more happiness in the absence of Knowledge. Knowledge that had frozen his heart and body in place. And the result at the end would have been the same. He would have been left completely and utterly shattered and alone to fight his inner demons.

 _He went home. It was still a few hours until the meeting would take place. Until he would tell them about what he found out. Maybe he could relax a little bit. Maybe he could forget what was happening outside just for a little while._

He was happy when he saw them. How could he not be? He missed them. He barely saw them outside order meetings anymore. But then the Happiness changed into Shock, Betrayal and ... Hurt? He doesn't even know. It just happened so fast.

 _He froze in his place not believing or understanding what he had just heard. What he was still hearing. The words that were thrown at him bouncing of his form. Too quickly to grasp the meaning of all of them. But too slow for him to not understand some sentences._

He flinched at the thought of what he had heard. He internally started laughing bitterly. He had known it when he was small. He shouldn't have let that small flame of hope ignite and fill his soul like it did. Maybe he wouldn't be that pathetic like now. Hurting more because of some words spoken than the hurt he felt every full moon. But he was. And he still heard them. The echoes of the voices still bouncing up and down in his not resting mind but his body was numb.

 _"You're the spy! Don't deny it!"_

 _"We saw you there! Associating with those evil creatures!"_

 _"How could you do this to us? How could you betray us that way?"_

He still remembered standing there. Not being able to move even one muscle in his whole body but his mind moving at a thousand miles per hour, trying to understand what was happening.

He didn't want to acknowledge that those sentences spoken from them had hurt him more than any full moon could. Tried to ignore that he hadn't been insulted by them like that. In a way they promised they would never judge him. Not like all the others did. Never like them.

He remembered them standing there in front of him, yelling at him. He remembered not being able to do anything. He remembered them leaving. And he remembered them leaving a big gaping hole inside him and the utter loneliness he still felt. The feeling making him drown not knowing how to fight against it. Not knowing how he could survive this feeling in a hell hole that he called his life. But he knew that he couldn't stand to see them again. He didn't want to break again like he is breaking now. He didn't want them to know that they hurt him so terribly. He didn't want to be here anymore.

"I think it would benefit the Order if I was no longer a member."

A voice broke the silence. Only moments later he realized that it was his voice that had spoken. The voice had sounded tired. Had he ever felt that tired in his life? Not knowing what to do? Not being able to do anything because everything had finally caught up to him. He didn't know anymore what to do. He felt alone. Hours ago he would have told them how he felt. But now he couldn't. They are the reason why he is so tired, so alone. How could he fight against it? There was no one to help him. No one there for him anymore. No one ... except maybe Magnus? The man that he knew since he was little. Who had helped him and stayed in contact with him because he liked him as a person. The person who never doubted that he was a good person and had always believed in him even when no one was there for him. But could he really go to him? Could he ask so mich of him even though he had given him already more than he can be thanked for. He had given him a person to trust and ho to when he had no one else. When his parents died it was him who he went to. Magnus had put him back together and looked after him like the big brother he had always wished for.

He looked up from his still shaking hands into the pair of blue eyes behind the half-moon glasses. Albus Dumbledore was looking at him with a gaze that was understanding. It wasn't judging him. And he couldn't express how grateful he felt for that. It had been such a long time since someone didn't look at him like that. Normally everyone would judge him because of his appearance, because of his nature.

"Are you sure?", came the question from the other man even though he already knew the answer. It wasn't for no reason that he is such a well liked fihure in this community.

He didn't look away from the understanding gaze of his companion. Seeking comfort that for once in a long time he wasn't looked at as if he had commited a crime.

"Yes, sir.", said his shaking voice. This is it. He's doing it. He never would have believed that he would ever be able to do this. But he also wouldn't have believed for many other things to happen that happened today.

He barely registered reporting his findings from the meeting that changed his life. Thought about how his life had changed so drastically because of that meeting. The meeting which felt so unimportant now.

He barely registered leaving the office in which he had spent a long time of his school carrier. In which he had been so often with them, because they had caused trouble all around the boarding school.

Barely registered walking through the corridors of the school which he had explored so many times when he had still went to school. Passing those secret entrances and secret rooms they had found together and used to their benefit. He missed those careless times.

He walked over the school grounds to the village nearby. The village where they had spent so many times in. Passed the Howling Hut where his nightmares have come true every full moon. Where they had helped him with his condition withoit him asking for it.

The next few hours were a blur. He didn't remember how he had gotten back to his flat. He didn't remember how he had landed on his poor excuse of a couch staring into the bare living room with lifeless eyes.

But he remebered writing a letter to the last person he could think of that he could call a friend, a person he trusted. The last person he could turn to because there was no one there anymore except him.

He didn't remember what he wrote. He didn't remember where he got the owl to send the letter. But he remembered the owl flying away with the letter. Him staring after the owl doing nothing just sitting there, feeling nothing. Nothing but the gaping hole inside him. He remembered the following hours of him sitting still and numb in his cold living room staring into the air. The events of the day repeating over and over again in his mind. Haunting and torturing him. The feelings that he felt drowing him. He felt hopeless.

He remembered a purple light shining, a portal opening to his left. The first time he experienced it he was still a little kid staring at it in Amazement. He always was amazed by it. But now he coulnd't because he gelt empty.

He remembered falling into Magnus arms after he stepped through. He finally felt safe again. He remembered feeling like he had found an anchor. Someone that helped him not to drown. The feeling of loneliness finally starting to somewhat fade into the background. Embracing and welcoming the arriving darkness that would give him a few hours of rest.


End file.
